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ht: 6ft
wt: 124
temperature: 94 F
blood pressure: 89/45
heart rate: 38
My doctor told me I wouldn't survive another semester at school so I gave her permission to contact my parents about my EKG results because I was too afraid to.
That jumpstarted a whole series of events. I now have been withdrawn from school, on a medical leave and my doctor/therapist/nutritionist/psychiatrist are pushing residential. They said it's not only necessary for me to go to a residential facility, but that I need to go to an inpatient one first for medical stabilization. I'm at 124 lbs but I don't think it's the low weight that has caused all of this. I think it's the purging affecting my electrolytes and heart rhythym. Anyway everyone's freaking out and I feel like I'm on the sidelines watching all of this unfold right now. I don't know when I'll post next, but it might be when i'm 35 lbs heavier. Michigan is one of 8 states that has insurance companies that don't cover treatment of eating disorders so my parents are going to take a second mortgage. I feel really guilty and angry and scared. I don't want to scare them and I don't want to leave them here without me if I die, but I don't want to gain weight. I wish I could just live a normal life at a lower weight but my height calls for 160 lbs unless I restrict food. That's just the way I was made and I need to get used to it, get over it, realize my body is just a vessel carrying me into the afterlife, and take care of myself. But it's so hard. It really hurts to hear your mom cry on the phone to your insurance company, "she's DYING!" and have your physician tell you you're at severe risk for ventricular fibrillation and that you could have a heart attack at any moment or die in your sleep. I hate this and I just want to finish school. I'm so close to my bachelor's degree, I don't want this disruption now.
My eating disorder is not only threatening to take away my life in the near future, it's already taken away my life in the present and in the past year of its intensified nature. I don't even know who I am anymore but I'm trying to find out. I suggest two books: Regaining Your Self by Ira. M. Sacker, MD. and Life Without Ed. Those two books truly are amazing and the authors really get it.
Best of luck to everyone suffering, and especially to those young adults, children, women, men, whoever that has found this website, or myspace, or any other journaling site to "aid" them in their eating disorder. I looked to these websites for management and instead I found myself sucked into the pro ana community and now I'm dying. The foundation for the ED was already there, but this has built it up strong and now it's toppling onto me and everyone around me.
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height: 6ft current weight: 125 lbs bmi: 17.0 expected weight: 160 lbs hw: 163 lw: 125 gw: 120 wheeeeeeeeeeeeew FINALS SUCK!!!!!! haha, sorry. so i'm a little pissed right now. observe: "Ashley, we've decided you not only have not progressed in outpatient treatment for the last 6 months but that you're worsening. We're recommending inpatient treatment." "Um...I'm not going to inpatient. I would get in there, they would put a tray of food infront of me, and I would say, 'no thanks'...landing me where I am right now...what's the point?" yeah apparently my therapist/psychiatrist/nutritionist/eati ng disorder specialist doctor have been conversing behind my back and have come to the unanimous decision that I am not progressing in oupatient treatment, yadda yadda yadda...i'm not supposed to exercise as it would be "dangerous" right now with my low blood pressure. so I said okay and then went and ran my daily 8 mile run, haha. i'm so stupid but i can't stop running. i love it. i did almost pass out a few times though! :-/ I have to get weighed weekly and everytime I do, my doctor pushes inpatient even more. Therefore, next time, I am planning on drinking a lot of water before weights, wearing jeans/sweatshirt and puting change in my jeans. I don't want to make it too obvious so maybe I'll test it on my own scale so that it seems like i've gained 1 or 2 lbs? Any more than that and I think she would know I was bullshitting. XD  Hope everyone is doing well and looking forward to the holidays! Current Mood:  lonely
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weight: 6 ft weight: 126 lbs bmi: 17.1 goal weight: 120lbs So this past week I was hospitalized for dehydration...nice. And now I have this "eating disorder specialist doctor" that wants me to see her every week. And she set me up an appointment with a nutritionist who has me seeing her twice a week. On top of therapy once a week, group therapy once a week, and psychiatrist appointments once a month...this is getting to be ridiculous! Also labwork revealed high iron levels (being a vegetarian...that has NEVER happened before!), which the doctor said from not menstruating and taking iron supplements at the same time. Also I need to get a B12 shot I guess. Getting nervous for the holidays. I survived Thansgiving with no probs: made myself a separate salad, and the people that came over for dinner already know about me and were instructed not to comment I guess...which is very nice. I'll post pictures this weekend!! How is everyone doing??? -Ashley Current Mood:  content
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So I gained as much as 5 lbs but lost it again. And I started running again. I run this 8 mile loop thing. I like it, but I don't have time to drive there after classes and finish it while it's daytime. And that park makes me nervous after dark. There's NO one there...and it's icy out and there's evil geese. lol but it is beautiful there at sunset! And the loop thing forces me to complete my run, which I like. I made my own 8 mile loop in Ann Arbor and have been running that. I was running everyday but the other day when I came back I started to get flu symptoms. And I couldn't even keep water down...my body would throw it back up. So naturally I got dehydrated and it got kind of severe so I was at the health center for 5 hours on Friday...nice. A teaspoon of water every 5 minutes...for the day. That is so annoying. And they wanted me to drink Gatorade but that has like 130 calories in a bottle...after 4 bottles...that's like my day of calories...haha I don't think so! Anyway, I'm better now except when I went there the MD I had at first measured my height and weight and sat me down "therapy style" and asked me, "honey, have you had eating issues lately?". Lady, don't even start. She said my bmi is 17.4 and I proceeded to tell her that I know that seems low, but 160lbs (which I am "supposed" to weigh) seems like a ridiculous amount to carry around. I'm not hibernating or anything. She wants me to go back and see her in a week to make sure my weight hasn't dropped. (and if it has...what then?) I probably will have gained weight by then, I mean, I WAS dehydrated...so some of that had to be water weight...but I weigh 1 lb more than that now, so maybe not unless I'm still dehydrated. Anyway she wants me to see her again for the "three-prong approach": therapist, nutritionist, and MD. well i have appointments with all three coming up but i don't see the point of going to a nutritionist. I know a lot about nutrition and that i'm unhealthy, but i'm not going to change. and before when i went to her she put me on a 1000 calorie diet and then a week later 2000! do you know ANYTHING about eating disorders? that's ridiculous. And I'm "not allowed" to run. Not until my weight stabilizes (in her head I think she meant increases...). Luckily for her there's an inch of ice on the ground so I won't be running...but I'll do some floor exercises. Until then... Love, Love!!!  Studying in the Union last night. Oh, Union. Current Mood: uncomfortable
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had a midterm today so i forced myself to eattttttt. morning: 4 egg whites (60 cals) 1 morning nutrition bar (180 cals) afternoon: 7 egg whites (105 cals) evening: bag of skittles. the big bag. yes, the whole f-ing thing. FUCK. (1870 cals!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg I'm going to die! This is going to ruin everything!! :( :( :(Current Mood:  anxious
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ashleydr's journal
