ashleydr

The End

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 22:38:17 GMT

Well I'm off tomorrow! I'm flying out to Milwaukee, Wisconsin to go to Rogers Memorial Hospital for inpatient treatment and then transferring to residential treatment. I should be back in April or May. I really want to get better now and I think I can do it.

Final stats:

ht: 6ft
wt: 124
bmi: 16.8
goal: TO LIVE MY LIFE

I am not a number or a size or "similar" to a specific celebrity's body. I am only comparable to myself. I am beautiful.

And so are all of you!

death

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 18:24:34 GMT

ht: 6ft
wt: 124
temperature: 94 F
blood pressure: 89/45
heart rate: 38

My doctor told me I wouldn't survive another semester at school so I gave her permission to contact my parents about my EKG results because I was too afraid to.

That jumpstarted a whole series of events. I now have been withdrawn from school, on a medical leave and my doctor/therapist/nutritionist/psychiatrist are pushing residential. They said it's not only necessary for me to go to a residential facility, but that I need to go to an inpatient one first for medical stabilization. I'm at 124 lbs but I don't think it's the low weight that has caused all of this. I think it's the purging affecting my electrolytes and heart rhythym. Anyway everyone's freaking out and I feel like I'm on the sidelines watching all of this unfold right now. I don't know when I'll post next, but it might be when i'm 35 lbs heavier. Michigan is one of 8 states that has insurance companies that don't cover treatment of eating disorders so my parents are going to take a second mortgage. I feel really guilty and angry and scared. I don't want to scare them and I don't want to leave them here without me if I die, but I don't want to gain weight. I wish I could just live a normal life at a lower weight but my height calls for 160 lbs unless I restrict food. That's just the way I was made and I need to get used to it, get over it, realize my body is just a vessel carrying me into the afterlife, and take care of myself. But it's so hard. It really hurts to hear your mom cry on the phone to your insurance company, "she's DYING!" and have your physician tell you you're at severe risk for ventricular fibrillation and that you could have a heart attack at any moment or die in your sleep. I hate this and I just want to finish school. I'm so close to my bachelor's degree, I don't want this disruption now.

My eating disorder is not only threatening to take away my life in the near future, it's already taken away my life in the present and in the past year of its intensified nature. I don't even know who I am anymore but I'm trying to find out. I suggest two books: Regaining Your Self by Ira. M. Sacker, MD. and Life Without Ed. Those two books truly are amazing and the authors really get it.

Best of luck to everyone suffering, and especially to those young adults, children, women, men, whoever that has found this website, or myspace, or any other journaling site to "aid" them in their eating disorder. I looked to these websites for management and instead I found myself sucked into the pro ana community and now I'm dying. The foundation for the ED was already there, but this has built it up strong and now it's toppling onto me and everyone around me.

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 02:54:58 GMT

height: 6ft
current weight: 125 lbs
bmi: 17.0
expected weight: 160 lbs
hw: 163
lw: 125
gw: 120

wheeeeeeeeeeeeew FINALS SUCK!!!!!!

haha, sorry.

so i'm a little pissed right now. observe:

"Ashley, we've decided you not only have not progressed in outpatient treatment for the last 6 months but that you're worsening. We're recommending inpatient treatment."
"Um...I'm not going to inpatient. I would get in there, they would put a tray of food infront of me, and I would say, 'no thanks'...landing me where I am right now...what's the point?"

yeah apparently my therapist/psychiatrist/nutritionist/eating disorder specialist doctor have been conversing behind my back and have come to the unanimous decision that I am not progressing in oupatient treatment, yadda yadda yadda...i'm not supposed to exercise as it would be "dangerous" right now with my low blood pressure. so I said okay and then went and ran my daily 8 mile run, haha. i'm so stupid but i can't stop running. i love it. i did almost pass out a few times though! :-/

I have to get weighed weekly and everytime I do, my doctor pushes inpatient even more. Therefore, next time, I am planning on drinking a lot of water before weights, wearing jeans/sweatshirt and puting change in my jeans. I don't want to make it too obvious so maybe I'll test it on my own scale so that it seems like i've gained 1 or 2 lbs? Any more than that and I think she would know I was bullshitting. XD

<---Halloween. I know, I whored out.
<---just a reminder of what I looked like this summer.<--took this while I was studying a few weeks ago, lol.

Hope everyone is doing well and looking forward to the holidays!

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 05:44:57 GMT

weight: 6 ft
weight: 126 lbs
bmi: 17.1
goal weight: 120lbs

So this past week I was hospitalized for dehydration...nice. And now I have this "eating disorder specialist doctor" that wants me to see her every week. And she set me up an appointment with a nutritionist who has me seeing her twice a week. On top of therapy once a week, group therapy once a week, and psychiatrist appointments once a month...this is getting to be ridiculous!

Also labwork revealed high iron levels (being a vegetarian...that has NEVER happened before!), which the doctor said from not menstruating and taking iron supplements at the same time. Also I need to get a B12 shot I guess.

Getting nervous for the holidays. I survived Thansgiving with no probs: made myself a separate salad, and the people that came over for dinner already know about me and were instructed not to comment I guess...which is very nice.

I'll post pictures this weekend!!
How is everyone doing???

-Ashley

incompetent medical professionals

Sun, 02 Dec 2007 14:55:45 GMT

So I gained as much as 5 lbs but lost it again. And I started running again.

I run this 8 mile loop thing. I like it, but I don't have time to drive there after classes and finish it while it's daytime. And that park makes me nervous after dark. There's NO one there...and it's icy out and there's evil geese. lol but it is beautiful there at sunset! And the loop thing forces me to complete my run, which I like.

I made my own 8 mile loop in Ann Arbor and have been running that. I was running everyday but the other day when I came back I started to get flu symptoms. And I couldn't even keep water down...my body would throw it back up. So naturally I got dehydrated and it got kind of severe so I was at the health center for 5 hours on Friday...nice. A teaspoon of water every 5 minutes...for the day. That is so annoying. And they wanted me to drink Gatorade but that has like 130 calories in a bottle...after 4 bottles...that's like my day of calories...haha I don't think so!

Anyway, I'm better now except when I went there the MD I had at first measured my height and weight and sat me down "therapy style" and asked me, "honey, have you had eating issues lately?". Lady, don't even start. She said my bmi is 17.4 and I proceeded to tell her that I know that seems low, but 160lbs (which I am "supposed" to weigh) seems like a ridiculous amount to carry around. I'm not hibernating or anything.

She wants me to go back and see her in a week to make sure my weight hasn't dropped. (and if it has...what then?) I probably will have gained weight by then, I mean, I WAS dehydrated...so some of that had to be water weight...but I weigh 1 lb more than that now, so maybe not unless I'm still dehydrated. Anyway she wants me to see her again for the "three-prong approach": therapist, nutritionist, and MD. well i have appointments with all three coming up but i don't see the point of going to a nutritionist. I know a lot about nutrition and that i'm unhealthy, but i'm not going to change. and before when i went to her she put me on a 1000 calorie diet and then a week later 2000! do you know ANYTHING about eating disorders? that's ridiculous.

And I'm "not allowed" to run. Not until my weight stabilizes (in her head I think she meant increases...). Luckily for her there's an inch of ice on the ground so I won't be running...but I'll do some floor exercises.

Until then...

Love, Love!!!

Studying in the Union last night. Oh, Union.

one-week fast

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 05:43:12 GMT

so I haven't eaten since Monday. one-week fast I guess. I hadn't really planned it, it kind of just happened.

On Monday I have my first challenge from my support group. I'm supposed to eat out at a restaurant with this girl from the group. Problem is, I won't have eaten for a week so I won't want to break that record, I don't want to eat food in general, I'd rather not eat food that I don't know the content of or how it was prepared, and it's the restaurant that my ex and I went to three times a week (Lebanese food)...the ex I attempted suicide over because we both didn't want to break up but had to...yeah so that's like killing 4 birds with one stone...or possibly setting myself up for a meltdown.

I'm down to 127 lbs...woohoooooooooo
33lbs "underweight"...sweetness

love, love

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 03:47:56 GMT

I haven't eaten since Monday! woo hoo
fasting for a week since I ate a few cookies/muffins/cake without purging on Friday/Saturday/Sunday.
i'm so dizzy, have a headache, tired even though i slept for 16 hours yesterday (first time sleeping more than 6 hours in like a month!!!!).
and my stomach hurts SOOOOOOOO much.
i'm sooooooo hungry.
but I'm determined not to eat until Monday.
I'm seriously so hungry I look forward to eating my chewable vitamins that my personal trainer gave to me (same kind she gives to her daughter and i stopped taking my multi because it was too big to swallow after a while so she gave me chewables...)

natural weight: 160lbs
current weight: 135 lbs

today one of my roommates made a joke that was funny/not. "you know what would go great with those vitamins?.............FOOD"

yeah, no shit.

i'm the rainbow's bitch

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 03:12:18 GMT

had a midterm today so i forced myself to eattttttt.

morning:
4 egg whites (60 cals)
1 morning nutrition bar (180 cals)

afternoon:
7 egg whites (105 cals)

evening:
bag of skittles. the big bag. yes, the whole f-ing thing. FUCK. (1870 cals!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg

I'm going to die!
This is going to ruin everything!!

:( :( :(

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 04:47:27 GMT

ate a tomato today. and salt.
oh and one cup of coffee

and vitamins.

I have a headache and my stomach is hurting really bad tonight.
I have therapy and group tomorrow...blah. I like therapy but group sometimes annoys me.
I reallllllllllllly want some coffee but I have to go to sleep. Midterm at 11 AM.

OH! So I quit drinking July 22nd. Personal choice/oath I wanted to keep to someone else. Andddd today is the 22nd...it's my 3 month anniversary! I wasn't an alcoholic, but the three month anniversary is still important to me and I am going to listen to Sober by Kelly Clarkson as it applies. :D

CHEESE AND RICE-I'm hungry.
If I could eat anything right now that didn't make me fat...anything...I would eat

-stuffed cheese pizza from Pizza House
-cheddar broccoli rice
-toaster streudels
-mountain dew
-hummus and pita
-chubby hubby ice cream
-skittles and Baja California starbursts
-caramel/english toffee popcorn from Target (looks good)
-pop tarts (blueberry or strawberry)
-breadsticks from Fenton House
-Vegetable Fried Rice

ok so not all of that at once...but you get the idea. some of my favorite foods.

skittles are my vice though. :-\