I am here because I am stuck between 2 world.s . I am dying on the inside. I grew up and even in now in college to be the popular girl. The girl who works so hard and maintains grades in school and yet has a social life. Yet noone knows ow I have been taken advantage of on 2 occassiopns and in one of them resulting being pregnant in which is the only I would allow myself to go thru an abortion which has traumatized me because I wish I hadnt most of the time yet how am I suppose to explain to my baby that her/his dad is an evil man and have her possibly feel guilty for even being born from such a situation. How am I suppose to explain to other my situation and tha ti am not a dumb chick who got knocked up.??? I also care for an ex who is not part of my life anymore. For some reason its been a LONNGGG time and I cant get over him and I cant get over how I never got closure but I do not go after him. I have dated many after him but everyone just uses me in some way or another. Like i am a prize that they can do whatever with. Then the other arent interesting enough for me and dont want to force something and hurt them though guys dont deserve it. I dont believe in love or well am scared of wha tit brings. EVERY TIME I attempted (twice maybe 3 times) to tell someone my feeling that were of that intensity, as soon as I am out with my true feelings the relationship ends. So I can never speak the truth if it always ends up getting ruined.
I used to be a 4.0 type of student and am very smart & yet my grades suffer yet noone notices. I gain soooo much weigth right before getting pregnant and then gained a lot more afterwards and I am depressed because I was the HOT girl that everyone wanted and at least in that I could distract myself with that. I could enjoy wearing whatever sinc eI love fashion but I dont even have that anymore. Guys think I am ugly becauseI am fat. I dont get the same attention. Though I have recieved bad attention too bcuz of it (aka my rapes) but I dunno I am pursuing a career in physical fitness so how cud I do this.? And a roommate last yr stole a lot and money & my credit sucks now and I havent paid my debt in a long time becaus eI have only myself to provide. And everyone who I thought wer emy friends are not around like before. Many of my girlfriends live with their bf or always with them an dI am left behind. I can speak t them as I did before. And a bunch of other things keep happening. Theres SO much more. but this is long enough. I just feel like noone cares. So If I let myself slip away, who would care? who would even notice? yes this supposed "sadness" will be the trend for like max a month. After that, "the show must go on..." and so everyone will keep with their lives and i will be a mere memory. I never as alone as I do now. I wanted to end it all when I was in 5th grade and attempted with pills. But nothing happened and I was just knocked for like 12 hrs in a weekend and my parents didnt even notice. IN FIFTH GRADE!!! but since then I put on a charade and was th ePERFECT daughter, friend, student, coworker, employee, aquaintance, etc. Everyone would see me as someone ful of life. And sometiem sI bought into that character I played. But now its back and with full of vengance for not being able to take me over before. I just want to talk to someone who understands...

my name is Emma, I'm 17 and I haven't posted to this community yet.but there are some things I need help with.
I was homeschooled for a while and then I tried going to a special high school with depression and anxiety.then I went to a public high school,the first day I went everyone were being assholes to me.so I stopped that and went to GED classes.but there was this guy that was in his 60's or 70's that gave me a flower and sat by me,when I usually sit alone and don't talk to anyone. I just tried concentraiting on my work.So I stopped that and now I see a theripist for people with forms of autism because my family thinks I have aspergers. She acts like I'm mentally retarded. I seriously have no friends.the only ones I have are online friends that are too busy for me. I live in a town where theres nothing to do and I literally live in a corn field. I was never happy one year of my life. Its just that for the past few years I've felt suicidal and I've stayed at a mental hospital that seriously almost killed me.I've tried every anti-depressant and most of them have fucked up my mind in a bad way. My family has been treating me like shit and they just argue at each other. I like never get out of the house.I'm mostly trapped in my room everyday. I just feel like a ghost because no one talks to me anymore or texts/calls me. it feels like I don't exsist anymore.

Current Location: my room
Current Mood: depressed

**FINAL EDIT Thu Dec 10 02:15:47 UTC 2009**

So there is the final update... Over the past day we have processed around 11 million jobs out of the 12 million that were in queue at that time. Please bear in mind that over this past day, more jobs for notifications are also created. So while the queue has been dropping, we are still not fully caught up at this point, due to backlog and new jobs. We have roughly 3 million jobs still pending that involve the notification system in some manner. We had hoped we could have fully cleared the queue in a day, but unfortunately we can't clear it too quickly, since we need the rest of the site to operate normally. From our current perspective on the amount of jobs that are left in queue, and how many it has processed thus far, we believe it will take around another 8 - 12 hours to process everything.

And finally some answers to some questions:

( Read More and Get Some Answers... )

Tags: notification system
Current Location: Under a Rock
Current Mood: grumpy

Hey guys, I'm new to this account but not livejournal, or suicide.
My name is Aurora.
I'm seventeen, and there is nothing wrong with me.
I've tried to kill myself once, September 22nd 2009.
Spent a month in the hospital for that and I'm back, worse than I was before.
I like suicidesupport better than depression because it's a lot more in depth.
So there's for the introduction, here's what I'm thinking.
( Rant. )
Hope things are better for you guys.

Current Location: Canada, Edmonton
Current Mood: sore